Learning To Accept Me...For Our Mi

I had promised myself I would never admit this in public. 

For our girl's sake... 

That I sobbed in the ultrasound room after finding out we were having a GIRL.

But the truth is I am confident to share this now, as I am certain those tears were not because I did not want a girl. I had after all always dreamed of a mother-daughter relationship with my own child.

I was simply,... terrified.

The heavy {oh so heavy} responsibility of raising a girl in this culture to LOVE and ACCEPT herself for who God made her, while she battles the pressure to be: beautiful. smart. loving. successful. strong.

everything.

And this woman right here, {who is the first to admit} she has struggled with not being enough her entire young life...even with constant, genuine encouragement growing up...

It broke my heart into a million pieces to know this insecure mama was now given the task to raise up a girl of her very own. 

So, this week I was once again reminded.

I looked down to see this sweet {precious, precious} face. And with this reality... my heart expanded and deflated all at once. 

Everything I do...she's watching.

This reality has rocked me to my core this past year. I have spent countless moments on my knees in prayer.

Lord! Teach me to accept myself. To be a reflection of you, for our Mi {Mila} girl.

Through a long refining process, since middle school I have grown confident in the woman God has made me...but my heart breaks that I have been awful at showing it in my actions. Make me ever aware of the way I talk about myself.  The way I accept (or don't accept) a complement. The way I compare. And when I dream, help me to celebrate FIRST the successes of those around me, before wishing their reality were mine. 

The night my Kavs and I got engaged, he surprised me with a book, "For Men Only." A study on the inner workings of a woman's heart. He had read the entire thing and had underlined passages to show me just how much I meant to him. I cannot help, but forget the emphasis it placed on a woman's need to be pursued. To be LOVED. To be thought beautiful. Inside and out.

And {oh, oh oh} how I can relate. I remember as a young girl, sitting in front of the mirror {skinny long neck and scraggly blonde braids as if right out of a Norman Rockwell painting} dreaming of looking like the model on that fashion magazine. 

Innately we dream, as women, to be not only beautiful outwardly, but to shine in personality as well. Inevitably, I know she must fight this inner and outer acceptance battle, as every girl does. But I pray that the woman she spends most of her time with {{me}} be the best example that I can to our dear girl...I must...MUST take this role seriously.

So, now I choose to look at this role of "Girl Mama" as not only a duty...but a GIFT! 

And I TREASURE it.

The prayer of my heart: Lord break me. Mold me. Make me yearn to be selfless.  And to be ever conscious of how I am treating myself, as a reflection of You.