"Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Losing your baby. The story every mom hopes she never will write. 

This past week we lost our babe that would have been 10 weeks along. How can you love someone so deeply you have never met?  But that baby knew my heartbeat. And my heart beat to the song of it's unborn life. That precious soul came into our lives as quickly as it left us...but each of our lives will never be the same.

I have been ruminating over whether or not to share. Because the last thing we want is to seek attention or sympathy. Or seem overly dramatic.

But the truth is, through our complete heartbreak, we BELIEVE our God gives meaning to and redeems every beautiful life from it's very conception. Perhaps Baby K stopped growing, but our hearts grew exponentially. And He has been gently tapping at the door of my heart to share -- if for nothing else so that those in disappointment & despair as we have been in through their loss, will see His bright face in the darkness and His fingerprints on the window panes of their souls. 

I went in with our 1 year old daughter on Monday...EAGERLY awaiting a peek at our little love. With my nausea and extreme exhaustion, not once did I discern we would not hear a heartbeat. And it didn't even hit me until after we left the hospital what was happening. The 2nd trimester...it seemed so close. I could already start to smell the newborn baby clothes being washed. And I was already dreaming of the treat it would to meet this tiny person on it's Due Date of Christmas Day...

We left. Myself in shock as I noticed Mila, in earnest pointing out every sweet babe we passed on our way to the parking lot.

And my heart inched down beat by beat...sinking lower and lower as I stared out of the glass.

I couldn't turn right to head home. So I swerved left to walk around the lake.

To process.

To pray.

There are moments in my life I can point to where I could literally feel the Holy Spirit washing over me. And as real as I sit here and type...He was there with me, guys.

Carrying me.

My weak, still nauseous, light-headed, broken and exhausted body.

We walked slowly, the sun kissing my skin and the summer breeze we had been dreaming of for months swept across our cheeks. My dear grandmother who had just gone to the hospital that day {who ironically had had several miscarriages} came to mind and I began to fervently cover both she and baby K with prayer.

Suddenly, the church bells rang at 10:00am and I was overcome with an uncontrolled stream of tears. A million different songs could have been played. But it was Grandma's favorite song, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."  

It bellowed through the trees and echoed back and forth among my heartstrings.

"Take it to the Lord in Prayer," the final line of the chorus rang out and left me almost speechless...Other than to utter with tear stained lips with the little strength I had in that moment... "God, my God who SEES me. How is it you are so intentional with us? I love how you never leave me."

 I woke the next day...Kavs arms around me... in tears. It would be a few days before we received confirmation of our loss. So we prayed God's will and clung to hope.

It poured on and off all day. Outside our home and inside my soul. We kept busy at the zoo, at my parents home and off to dinner at night.

And here was the most remarkable part. I've noticed that God is the master of attaching  specific meaning to different times of Trial. Seasons of waiting...of grief. Of struggle in the bible.

I don't profess to "hear" God speaking to me...but I genuinely believe in God giving my visual eyes something to feast upon and be reminded of His promise. I have noticed in my life that God always pours down something specific to make beauty of the mess again. 

And there it was. My reminder. 

The brightest rainbow I have seen in my adult life. The same visual God sent Noah after his season of waiting. A reminder of His Promise.

It stopped me in my tracks. 

And then again later the next morning. It was pouring outside and dark in my kitchen as I began my devotions. So I lit our crystal chandelier {which we NEVER turn on unless we have a nice dinner} but I could hardly see in the darkness. I turned to the day's page and regardless of how little light was streaming through our window... somehow...there it was. 

Through the crystal prism was glimmering the most fantastic rainbow, right there on my page.

Please understand. It is not that my heart stopped aching, or that my body was completely restored because of an image...In fact, as I sit here in complete discomfort, now that I have begun to pass the baby...through the physical and emotional pain...the tears have come flooding in again. But His beautiful reminder that God's word is all about waiting on Him. But for the better. For growing us stronger. Growing our roots deeper so that we can withstand the storm. And the absolute stunning beauty that comes from heartache. And redemption.

He brings Promise.

And our Creator just blows me away by His intention with you {& me  -- this absolute tiny, dust of a being on this earth.}

And I truly BELIEVE our God is intentional with the way He makes Himself real to us...IF we choose to see. 

Noah. Waited.

He trusted. Had faith. And worked. And I am certain he grieved when he lost loved ones...but God redeemed it. He got his rainbow.

The bible is littered with stories of waiting and redemption. And our story is no different.

God has and will continue to redeem this precious life. And our lives through it. As we wait and pray for another sweet babe. And as we await the meeting of our heaven babe some day.

And all we can do is keep on praising Him.

No, the pain isn't gone. 

But it is wrapped in the balm that my Yaweh Raphe  {my God who heals} can only give. And I am genuinely restored in hope.

As He weeps with us.

Peace that passes understanding has never been more true to these broken, but peace-filled hearts. Because nothing else could possibly make sense when you grieve this hard and you still find peace, hope and Promise.

Since He knew that baby in my womb {Jeremiah 1:5} we can only imagine how much more beautiful heaven will be some day...if in fact we get to meet our heaven baby?

And then...Oh! To hear them say:

"...I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes, {they} saw {me}...." Psalm 139:13-16